<Yes, it’s been done before, but this talks more about the theories surrounding Jacko’s life rather than his death. I’m putting it up now to capitalize on all those people who google on “Michael jackson conspiracy theories” now he’s in the news once more.>
by Timothy Chilman
Michael Jackson is once again in the news now that his doctor, Conrad Murray, has received a guilty verdict in Los Angeles over the King of Pop’s manslaughter. Murray gave Jacko a fatal dose of the sedative, propofol. Already, we have a conspiracy theory: Murray is a freemason!
But the conspiracy theories began long before that. The funkiest is that Wacko Jacko was a castrato: his testicles were either removed at the behest of his wholehearted shit of a father, Joe, or he missed out on puberty for endocrinological reasons.
Michael said that his father made him rehearse endlessly: it is not difficult to imagine him having Jacko’s balls chopped off in the name of fame. Joe also called him names, would trip him to make him hit a wall, and beat him. Joe denied beating his son, saying that he only whipped him. Joe is also on record as saying that he “can’t stand” gay people. Joe was excluded from the version of Michael’s will that was released in 2002, but Jacko acknowledges that his upbringing was a major determinant of his fame.
Or it could have been his hormones. Jacko suffered from vitiligo, which is closely associated with disorders of the thyroid. The thyroid, with the pituitary, controls all the other endocrine glands in the human body – the things which produce hormones. While hormonal abnormalities can also produce “natural castrati,” Joe was such a bastard, the clever money must be on him.
Evidence begins in the form of Jacko’s resemblance to the most-famed castrato, Carlo Broschi (1705-1782), who went by the name of Farinelli. It is said that Michael’s frequent plastic surgery aimed to make him look like the untesticled superstar of old, as can be seen from a bust of the latter. Look at the nose and eyes, they say.
Jacko’s life bore some similarity to that of Farinelli, who was known in Italy as “the boy.” Farinelli and Jacko endured similar amounts of singing practice as children. Castrati could not marry, and so had no emotional outlet other than their music, like Jacko. Castrati, like Jacko, were maligned for their effeminacy. Like Jacko, Farinelli’s music made him filthy rich. Castrato-hood could also explain Jacko’s sincere protestations that there was no possibility of sexual contact betwixt himself and the children with whom he slept.
Then there is Jacko’s sublime, child-like voice. It changed little between ABC-123 and Thriller. This can be compared to the 17 recordings of Allessandro Moreschi, the last castrato, who died in 1922. Jacko’s voice was not falsetto – he spoke that way in interviews. The German flautist and composer Johann Joachim Quantz, who acted as a music critic, said that Farinelli’s “intonation was pure, his trill beautiful, his breath control extraordinary and his throat very agile.” Does this not sound like Jacko? As Red Buttons put it, “Only in America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman.”
For someone with no testicles, Jacko is supposed to have sired many children.
Mocienne Petit Jackson, a Dutch citizen, filed suit at the Los Angeles Superior Court alleging that Jacko impregnated her mother, Barbara Ross Lee, the sister of Jacko confidante Diana Ross. Jacko would have been 16 at the time. This lady claims that Jacko’s ma, Katherine, conspired to have her sent to Belgium to conceal her from the press.
The National Enquirer claimed that Jacko was the father of Omer Bhatti, a hip hop performer who resides in Oslo and is now 26, who was, it said, generated after a single night of passion with a besotted fan. Bhatti met the singer in Tunisia in 1996 and impressed him with his dance moves. Bhatti, the Enquirer says, now wishes to take a DNA test to settle the matter, and is motivated by a desire to determine his paternity rather than for the millions of dollars he would likely receive.
Bhatti appeared just like Jackson’s son, Prince Michael Joseph Jackson, aka Blanket, when he, like Blanket, was seven years old. Bhatti lived for years at Neverland, where Jacko employed his parents as chauffeur and nanny. He was photographed sitting next to the remaining Jacksons at Jacko’s memorial service and was often photographed with Jacko.
Fox News reported in 2004 that Jacko had told close friends that he was Bhatti’s father, but they did not know whether to believe him. Joe Jackson said on television that he believes Bhatti is the spawn of Jacko. Jermaine Jackson said he was unsure Bhatti was Jacko’s son, but if he were, he would be treated like Jacko’s other children. He said, “If Omer’s his son, he’s his son.” Radaronline.com later reported that Bhatti claimed to be the true father of Jacko’s children. Star magazine reported that Bhatti’s mother, Pia, was the biological mother of Blanket. If she had already produced one son for him, she could have been asked for a repeat performance.
In 2004, Jacko’s publicist, Raymone Bain, denied a US Weekly report that Jacko had fathered quadruplets. The magazine cited unnamed sources.
One conspiracy theory goes that Sony did not promote Jacko’s album, Invincible, so he would be forced to sell his share of the Beatles catalog to it. This album was the most expensive ever, costing $30 million.
Jacko has now bought the farm. Some people say he was already deceased. The Michael Jackson who appeared in London to promote his forthcoming tour walked differently. It is said that this character was too tall and his fingers too stumpy.
Others say he died well before that, an idea which possibly stemmed from a humorous article in the Onion. The theory goes that Jacko shuffled off this mortal coil in the 1990s while undergoing cosmetic surgery, whereupon he was replaced by an impersonator.
It has been claimed that Jacko staged his death to free himself from the pressures of fame, or possibly because an attempt was afoot to force him into bankruptcy. Bankruptcy would have obliged him to settle his $300 million of debt. Sales of his work have exploded, so dying made good business sense. A small poll of readers of the Weekly World News (“The world’s only reliable news”) found that 42 percent believe Jacko faked his death, and these are people you listen to. Blogger Derek Clontz said Michael is replicating the actions of another man he admired greatly, Elvis Presley, who also faked his death and is alive and in hiding to this very day. The Weekly World News predicted that Jacko would emulate Elvis in this respect in 1994.
The last paparazzi photograph of Jacko is said to not depict him, as the photographed entity’s skin is too dark. Video shows him apparently moving when his body was transported by helicopter from a hospital to the coroner’s office, which skeptics say was an optical illusion caused by the turn of the helicopter. A 30 second-long video recording exists of a coroner’s van which pulls into a garage and is then exited by a person said to be Jacko. The view is from the rear, and the figure has a similar body mass to Jacko, similarly long hair, and similar agility. The license plate had the same number as the real coroner’s van. The hub caps are said to be different, and the font in which “Coroner” is written. The latter could be explained by a different camera angle.
Cassandra Gretchen-Sims claims to have been a Jacko confidante, and that she knows he faked his death to find peace. She says he watched his funeral on CCTV and left 33 clues in the video to This Is It. Bloggers have said that he perpetrated the hoax to expose the Illuminati. Somehow.
Jacko has been sighted crossing the border to Mexico, in Spain, Dubai, and the United Arab Emirates, at the BET Awards, on Larry King Live, and at his own memorial service. Photographs exist. The Los Angele Coroner’s office was pretty sure it was Jacko, but the websites www.michaeljacksonsightings.com, and www.michaeljacksonhoaxdeath.com, can be checked for further details to the contrary.
As for the children of whom Jacko is legally the father, his ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, mother to two of ‘em, told all to the British tabloid, the News of the World, which was wound-up in disgrace after its journalists were found to have accessed the voicemail of many people relevant to the news. Now Jacko is no more, she is free of legal obligations.
She says she was impregnated artificially using anonymously donated jizz. She compared herself to a thoroughbred horse: “It’s just like I impregnate my mares for breeding.” She said, “I was just the vessel. It wasn’t Michael’s sperm.” She also said, “I offered him my womb… it was a gift. It was something I did to keep him happy.” She added that she and Jacko never shared coitus in the course of their three-year marriage.
Rowe said that Jacko’s third child, Blanket, was conceived in the same manner by an unnamed surrogate. Jacko wished no further contact with Rowe after she excreted her second child, Paris. The experience left her unable to bear further kiddies, for which the $8.4 million she reportedly received may provide some comfort.
Jackson’s manager is on record as saying “”I’m sure those kids are Michael’s. Michael’s told me they’re his. Debbie Rowe has told me they’re his.” Jacko’s brother, Tito, said the same, and that all one need do to be certain is to look at the children’s eyes. Tito says Jacko’s children remind him of himself and his brothers when they were children. This shows how much store can be put in any denials by the Jackson camp.
Various men, however, claim it was their baby batter from which Jacko’s offspring sprung.
Mark Lester, the star of the 1967 hit film, Oliver!, told the News of the Screws that he believed Paris to be his daughter, as he donated sperm, which he says was then inserted to Rowe. He said he was willing to submit himself to a paternity test. He claims that Paris looks uncannily like his own daughters, particularly the one who was 15 years-old at the time. He draws attention to Paris’ “blue eyes, pale complexion, and high cheekbones.” Jacko’s pal, Uri Geller, said that Jacko confirmed the allegation to him. Lester was definitely a friend of Jacko’s, and is the godfather to all three sprogs. One friend of Jacko’s said the timing of Lester’s donation of man-naise is wrong, but this confirms that Lester certainly donated population paste. Brian Oxman, Jacko’s former lawyer and a friend of his family, said that in all the years he had known Lester, he had never suggested he was Paris’ father.
Lester said that he came forward as he wished to remain in contact with the children. He is concerned that Blanket will be raised as a Jehovah’s Witness. Katherine Jackson is a Witness, but Lester said that Jacko wanted his children raised as Catholics. It has been claimed that Rowe has similar concerns.
It has been widely alleged that Arnold Klein, Jacko’s Beverly Hills dermatologist, was the father to all three. Such a thing was first suggested by US Weekly in 2009. One Jackson insider confirmed the story. Questioned by Diane Sawyer on ABC News, Klein replied, “All I can tell you is, to the best of my knowledge, I’m not the father of these children.”
“To the best of my knowledge”? Is this guy in any doubt as to where his man milk ended up?
Al Malnik, a Floridan restaurant owner connected to the Mob, claimed to be the father of Blanket. It has been speculated by the British press that Malnik may be the father to all of Jacko’s children.
The wholly downmarket British newspaper, the Sun, reported that Home Alone star Macaulay Culkin could be the biological dad of Blanket. They were famously close in the early 1990s. A source – doncha love sources? – said that even Culkin suspects he is the father, from donated love butter.
If one accepts that Jacko is no more, there are a variety of ways in which he could have met his end. It has been suggested that those devilish Iranians did it. Jacko died at a time when criticism of the Iranian regime’s post-election crackdown was prevalent, causing even the previously hesitant President Obama to profess himself “appalled and outraged.” Jacko’s demise saw “Michael Jackson RIP” replace “#iranelection” as the top trending topic on Twitter.
Actress Farrah Fawcett and television personality Ed McMahon died around the same time. There were suggestions that the three were connected, although how is less clear.
Jacko’s ma, Katherine, said she had “not seen one shred of evidence that anyone associated with Michael’s estate conspired to kill him.” Joe Jackson disagreed on Larry King Live, where he said he believed Jacko was killed because he would be unable to complete the planned 50 concerts in London. Katherine’s daughter, Latoya, also disagrees, and believes he was offed by people around him who believed Jacko was worth more dead than alive. She has initiated an accompanying lawsuit, and detailed her theory in her new memoir, Starting Over.
Latoya said Jacko told her: “I’m going to be murdered for my music publishing catalog and my estate.” Joe Jackson said the same. Latoya said that upon his death, the same people of whom he was suspicious were given control of his estate. In particular, she names Dr. Tohme Tohme, Jacko’s business adviser. Layota said that Tohme fired key people who had been close to Jacko for years to isolate him and make him more amenable to Tohme’s proposals.
It has been alleged that Jacko was killed on behalf of Congress. A much-opposed law restricting greenhouse emissions was passed by a vote late on Friday when everybody was devouring coverage of Jacko’s death. Another theory is that Jacko was topped because of his opposition to the government’s plan for a mandatory, experimental H1N1 vaccine. The author of the online article, Michael Jackson’s Death – The Conspiracy Theory – Updated complained that the word “updated” was truncated to prevent the 7,500 people who viewed the original from seeing additions to it.
“FSB sources” were said to have told Russian President Dmitry Medvedev that Jackson was terminated by the Agency because Jacko had agreed with the King of Bahrain’s son, Sheikh Abdullah bin Hamad al-Khalifa, to use his sold-out concerts in the United Kingdom to publicize an upcoming episode of genocide. This was in return for the write-off of millions of dollars of debt. Both Jacko and al-Khalifa have long been supporters of the Austrian investigative journo, Jane Burgermeister, who has warned of a ‘flu pandemic which would be artificially created, to be followed by a ‘flu vaccine which would be compulsory.
But do you want to hear a Michael Jackson conspiracy theory that’s COMPLETELY INSANE? Do you want to hear one that is UTTERLY UNBELIEVABLE? The looniest Michael Jackson conspiracy theory of all has been saved for last: some people say Wacko Jacko was actually a nice guy.
The theory has perhaps been expounded most effectively by Aphrodite Jones, whose book, Michael Jackson Conspiracy, alleges that he was smeared by the media because to do so garnered more attention: bad news sells. Jacko’s 2005 trial came about because Santa Barbara D.A., Tom Sneddon, was a publicity whore who “wanted the whole world to be watching him.” Jacko’s attorney, Thomas A. Mesereu, Jr., lent weight to the idea by writing the foreword to the book.
Conspiracy theories are such a load of bullshit
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Farmer, Hontas. “Michael Jackson: The Castrato? Comparing Jackson to a great singer of the past who was.” Science 2.0. 28 June 2009. 2 October 2011. <http://www.science20.com/quantum_gravity/blog/michael_jackson_castrato_comparing_jackson_great_singer_past_who_was.>
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